Despair

Despair
by Kimberly

If only the world could see what I feel
then, would the world, know who I am
I've loved, lost and feared the world
for it is sometimes too much to bare

Control, power, is what I fear
for I am weak inside and full of pain
I shout and cry, but knowing
there is nobody there to hear me
I swallow the shame and anger
that lies beneath me

I am lost to reality and living in time
Though I am struggling through life
and all that it offers, I am only human
and that is what makes me . . . Me.

Still, I wish for the happiness and pleasure
that I have earned, but realize that, I have
not yet overcome the world's greatest challenge

Love! and how to accept it -
I am ready to face my fears

Childhood

I have never been one of those people who have nostalgic longings for childhood. Don't get me wrong, as far as childhoods go, I am pretty much convinced that I had about as close to a perfect childhood as one could wish for. My parents were loving, kind, successful and always present. I can't remember a single occasion when there was any kind of open conflict between my parent and I was always fully secure and confident in their love. School life as also pretty much a breeze, I was a popular athlete who did really well in class and was also a student leader. In fact, it was this almost picture perfect description of m childhood that first drew my attention to the complete absence of warm fuzzy feelings towards my childhood. If anyone should have loved their younger days it should have been me.

It was not until i reached college and had the opportunity to really experience life on my own that I realized where the feelings of dread that I associated with childhood came from: a feeling of lack of control. As a child you have absolutely no say in anything that happens to you, good or bad, and while I was fortunate enough to have ended up in a wonderful loving family, I could just as well have ended up with a mean family that I hated and there would have been very little that I could have done about it, especially in Kenya. The feeling is akin to what I feel when I think of a country like Switzerland, a land were everyone has a fairly high standard of living but is also subject to a highly controlled system where it is illegal for instance to buy food in neighboring France mainly because it is cheaper. While there are many who would do anything to live in a country like Switzerland, the very though of it stifles me.

Frankly, I think coming to the US and going through 5 years of school would seeing my parents has caused me to become sort of addicted to my independence. I am used to doing things without having to explain myself to anyone and accustomed to knowing that I will bear the consequences of my choices. I can not fathom reentering an world in which I will have to tell another person where I am going, why I am going there and when I will be back every time I leave the house. This is probably why the thought of relationships is also quite stifling to me. I know that I will have to let go og these sentiments at some point but not just yet. As a friend of mine used to say, I am still 'enjoying my stallion years', and see no reason why they should be cut short by a blind desire to join society in it blind addition to companionship.

So yeah, I don't long for my childhood, though other would probably kill for it and I am addicted to my independence. I wonder where these traits will lead me.