Well today was an interesting day, I lost a friend to 'the truth' and gained another from her. Truth has a funny way of cutting both ways like that. She gives and she takes away. Either way, what she gives is invariably more precious than what she takes away, and that which she takes away, one hopes, she will one day give back.
A lie on the other hand, gives only what it must and takes all it can, and when it is full grown, it takes back even that which it gave. But this is not an essay on these two timeless foes so ill leave it at that.
The conscience is a very interesting thing don't you think, two days ago I did something I knew was wrong but could justify (sort of) at the time and its interesting how my mind reacted to the whole incident. This was not in anyway the "worst thing" I've ever done, far from it, but I couldn't get it out of my head, this nagging, pocking, feeling in me kept on telling me "that was wrong, you know it, why did you do it?" and I couldn't get it out of my head.
After a while it started getting me down and I came to a cross road where I had to choose the way in which I would react to this feeling. On the one hand, some thing was telling me just to say "See, trying to do right isn't worth it, let it go" and it looked like a very tempting option.
That’s when it hit me! And I'm glad it did just then coz I don't know what would have happened if it didn't. Suddenly I saw that God was trying to tell me something through this inner turmoil that I was experiencing. I began to see that this guilt was not just there to beat me into a depressed state but was there to get me to see Gods position on the matter and to listen up for what to do next. Trust me when you listen, God speaks, he aint playin.
I've had a brilliant 2 days since then and have really felt Gods presence around me. I think I was going through that 'Ministry of the night thing' that is in the 'Purpose Driven life' (wonderful book, must read). I missed Mungu but didn't really realize it until he let me feel his presence again. It was like taking a long breath of fresh air after exiting a smoke filled house... glorious!
Sunday, April 17, 2005
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